Does God really exist? How can I tell when I suffer from delusions? Was it real or made up in my head?
What are delusions?
Throughout my life, I have sat like I am today wondering what part of my life was real. Wondering if something actually happened or if it was nothing more than pure fantasy. Sometimes the delusions are so real it is extremely hard to tell if God is actually there. Was it real or made up in my head?
I suffer from a mental illness that makes it difficult to tell. As stated in my previous post, delusions are a break from reality. They can be anything from a false belief about reality to being an outright series of hallucinations. Delusions can seem very real and believable to the person suffering from them. In addition, the person suffering may try everything they can to make the delusion become a reality. They can even turn into unhealthy obsessions.
But how do you tell if it is just a delusion? This is where I struggle. My illness is newly diagnosed. I have only been in treatment for 4 months to date. I honestly do not know how to tell the difference. Especially when it comes to something intangible like belief in God. How do I know religion is not a delusion? Is he real or made up in my head?
How do you have faith with delusions?
I don’t know how to tell if he was made up in my head like all my other delusions. Is it possible that it is not actually real? How can I believe in God if I can’t even believe in myself? These are the questions that I struggle with every single day of my life. It is the reason I stopped praying and reading the Bible. I once believed in him. So much that I even believed I could hear his sweet still voice talking to me.
I tried more than anything to believe my life was not falling apart, but rather falling in to place. I tried even harder after someone from church actually told me that. Similarly, I even tried looking for his fingerprints in my life, everywhere I went. I would have given anything to believe that or to see the world through eyes like that. Now I wonder if it was simply a delusion. Nothing more than hearing voices associated with my mental illness. The belief that something could happen that never would. That it was all just made up in my head
Was it real or simply made up in my head?
When I suffered my breakdown I completely left the church. I stopped going on Sunday, and eventually, I severed all contact with the friends I had made. My breakdown had started tearing my life apart. My situation worsened, and I eventually lost everything. The man I was living with was an elder from my church. I rented his basement. He was very dear to me. He took me under his wing and was a mentor to me. I loved him like a 2nd father. However, he eventually asked me to leave because he believed I chose my sinful life over the love of Christ. But did I really make that choice? Was it really my sinful nature or my illness?
Now I believe my illness rendered me incapable of making that choice. And no one saw it, let alone me. Not the therapists I saw, not my friends. I wonder sometimes if everything they did was it all out of pity. Did they just feel sorry for me? And it keeps me up at night. It was at that point where I gave up the church, God and everything associated with it. I even abandoned my faith. How can I tell if he was real or fantasy? Was it a delusion tied to my illness or part of God’s intricate plan?
Where do I go from here?
I am not sure what the future holds. Furthermore, I don’t even want to plan ahead or dream for fear it will be yet another delusion. I do not suffer from as many hallucinations as others do with my illness. Rather, most of my illness manifests in the delusions I create. I don’t know how to tell or where to go from here. I keep seeing things that make me believe God may actually be real. Things that just seem impossible. The type of things that lead me to believe it was God who made it happen. But then I wonder if I am misinterpreting or just wishful thinking. Am I creating things and seeing imaginary connections?
Since I was asked to leave I have been filled with anger and feelings of abandonment. I have replayed it all in my head at least a thousand times. Furthermore, I am unsure where I should go from here. Do I find a new church and try to get involved again? If I do get involved, will I fall just like before or be let down by these people as well? I just do not know what to do or where to go from here. Is it a delusion or is it God? Was it real or made up in my head?
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IamThePatRatt – The Bipolar Hacker