I don't care anymore. Mental illness is not my fault.

Mental illness is not my fault. I don’t care anymore.

Mental illness is not my fault. I don’t care anymore.

I don’t care anymore. Mental illness is not my fault. People who suffer from mental illness have no control over their mind or how it works. Unlike with chronic physical illness, there are few exterior signs.

There is a song by Phil Collins that I grew up listening to called, “I don’t care anymore.” This song accurately descries how I feel now about my diagnosis now. It fits because now that I have a mental illness, I find myself not caring who knows anymore. One verse in particular stands out to me. “Well you can tell everyone I’m a damn disgrace. Drag my name all over the place. I don’t care anymore. And you can tell everyone about the state I’m in. But you won’t catch me crying cus I just can’t win. I don’t care anymore.” You should not care anymore either because Mental Illness is not my fault anymore than it is yours.

 If it costs me, I don’t care anymore.

I don’t care if my illness costs me friends. If so, they were never my friends to begin with. And if it costs me a job, it wasn’t meant to be. I was looking for a job when I found that one. I have zero control over my mental health. All I can do is manage it and cope as best I can. It is not my fault. And I refuse to accept the blame. However, I will take responsibility for getting better through medication.

For me the choice is simple

When I was younger it had been suggested to me that I might be ill. At the very mention of it I would get angry. I refused to even consider the fact that I may be suffering from a mental illness. I believed the stigma to be accurate. And I believed what people said about the mentally ill to be true. That people with mental illness were crazy and bad people. Funny thing about it, in my mind I believed I was fine. However, the irony of it all is that it was in my mind where I was sick. My diagnosis occurred 3 months prior to the date of this post, at age 42.

Now that I know I do suffer from mental illness, it answers many questions I have had about myself. And it also explains my behavior throughout my life. Since taking medication, for the first time in my life I feel normal. Unfortunately, he only way to continue feeling normal is to take medications for the rest of my life. Even if they cause unwanted side effects. I will have to make a choice between the side effects, or my mental health and stability. For me the choice is simple. I would rather take medications for the rest of my life than to continue living the way I have been. I don’t care anymore. Mental illness is not my fault. And it is not your fault either.

Hack the Stigma. Hack the Planet.
IamThePatRatt –  The Bipolar Hacker.

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